Interracial dating article and marriage data for USA

Dating 101: Dealing With the Race Factor

How to cope with four common obstacles in interracial dating

By dating editor Arnold Chao Exclusive to Yahoo! Personals Updated: Jun 5, 2009

A recent study on racial preferences of online daters provides some interesting findings. Based on profile-searching criteria set by singles using Yahoo! Personals, the UCI case study reveals that gender plays an important role in interracial preferences:

Asian American men are the least preferred mate for Caucasian women

Asian American men are the least preferred mate for Caucasian women, and African American women bear the brunt of discrimination from Caucasian men. UCI researchers say that "the stereotypical images of masculinity and femininity shape dating choices" and are a contributing factor.

The cross-cultural revolution is not going to be launched on the Internet dating scene, where people often follow racial stereotypes when looking for love, the researchers said.

In spite of these findings, there's always an exception to the norm, and I should know as an ABC (American-Born Chinese) who met and married another type of ABC (American Brazilian Caucasian -- yes, I just made that up). Like any couple we've had our ups and downs, but we've somehow managed to bond well for almost a decade.

For those of you involved with a date -- or mate -- of a different race, check out these obstacles of interracial dating and ways to overcome them.

Dating Obstacle #1. The Traditionalists

I've encountered several people who possess strong opinions about interracial dating: A South African told me that people should date within their own race; my Korean American friend found it inconceivable to betroth a white woman; some Asian guys I've met told me they loathe competing with white guys to woo Asian bachelorettes.

Yes, the resistance against interracial dating persists, even in the diverse San Francisco Bay Area where I live. You should consider that citizens in most U.S. states were legally banned from marrying outside of their race until 1967.

How do you cope?

Surround yourself with pals who tolerate diversity. As individuals, we have an innate desire to be understood; and as an interracial couple, the desire remains the same. You must learn to accept adversity and not let it influence your individual judgment. The acceptance you receive from a circle of friends strips away your sensitivity to snide comments that oppose your open dating preferences.

Dating Obstacle #2. The Stereotypes From Mass Media

Can you blame the TV producers and advertisers for playing it safe by catering to the majority? After all, they measure what appeals to a mass audience and go with what we're familiar with. It's no mystery that stereotyping the population is much easier than representing eclectic subgroups within our population. As an expected result of this, the general public absorbs oversimplified images of various ethnic groups -- and how they pair up -- in every media imaginable.

How do you cope?

Recognizing the biased reality of the media business in itself resolves much of the adverse impact of broadcasted stereotypes. Avoid "keeping up with the Joneses" and don't think you have to date like all the idealized couples the generic media fodder has fed you. Boil your beliefs down to what really matters to you, and you'll become stereotype-resistant.

Dating Obstacle #3. The Offensive Family Member

It happens: You'll attend a family gathering where your estranged uncle shows that he may not be as culturally enlightened as the rest of your family. The off-color jokes spew out of his mouth. He snickers. You're in shock. Your significant other is in shock. The tension builds while you attempt to cool the blood that boils within you.

How do you cope?

Realize that there may always be a family member, or friend, who has trouble thinking before uttering insensitive opinions or bluntly racist remarks. Prepare for these confrontations. Let that person know if you think his/her comments are offensive, and choose honest yet eloquent ways to respond. Practice what you'll say and when you'll say it -- so when the situation happens, you won't let your emotions get the best of you. If this person is worth dealing with, he/she will respect your straightforwardness.

Silence will only prolong the issue. Share your thoughts to show that you care about how you interact with everyone, and vice versa. This is not the time to be shy. Demand respect. You deserve it.

Dating Obstacle #4. The Gazers

I know. It gets old. Not everybody is used to seeing an interracial couple. People will stare at you. They may even display a frown or a furrowed brow.

How do you cope?

Ignore the natural response of attempting to read their minds. Who knows what they're thinking when they stare: Maybe they admire you two as a couple, or they like your threads, or they just haven't seen your "kind" before, or they're waiting for you two to show some affection so they can label you as a couple rather than friends. It's pointless to keep wondering.

Instead, imagine you're a celebrity. In fact, you are. You might well be the spectacle of the day for them. Thrive and celebrate your uniqueness. These public encounters add flavor to the otherwise bland experiences of their lives. You're simply desensitizing them to the notion of colorblind dating. Sooner or later, they won't look twice ... because they've seen it before.

White By Birth, Another Heritage By Choice

White By Birth, Another Heritage By Choice

Can romanticizing other cultures be unintentionally harmful and divisive?

Photo: Tina Keller

I’m pretty much as white as you can get if you take a look at me from afar.

My mom is 100% German, and my dad’s side of the family is half Irish, half German (yeah, that’s a lot of German…and whiteness).

Yet I tend to appreciate the wisdom of Ayurveda and Traditional Chinese Medicine over western medicine, I’ve been trying to figure out how to find my way to an authentic Native American sweat lodge for years, and I’ll take some coconut curry over steak and potatoes any day of the week, thank you very much.

And when I dress up to perform Bhangra, a traditional Indian folk dance, I’ve been mistaken for being Indian on more than one occassion.

I’ve felt embarrassed at times for being the white girl walking down the street with a bindi on her forehead (and I’ve certainly overheard a few comments). I sometimes want to turn around and explain I’m dressed this way for a performance, that I’m part of a multi-cultural dance troupe, etc., but then I realize I’m just fishing for justifications.

So when I happened upon Macon D.’s Stuff White People Do blog about romanticizing Indigenous people, I began to contemplate the idea that more and more white people (especially of my generation) need to identify with and take part, some say culturally appropriate, other cultures’ traditions:

So often, white people who want to reach out beyond the boundaries of “normal” life end up reaching too much into the lives of others. Actually, and oddly enough, when they think they’re reaching out to something authentically non-white, what they’re actually doing is conjuring up a fantasized, stereotypical, and romanticized version of something that’s only supposedly non-white.

Macon D. was commenting on an explosive situation that occurred between a Burning Man (BM) group and several Oakland, CA Native American tribes. The BM group had planned a party with a “Go Native!” theme, prompting the Native American activists to demand a cancellation of the event.

A Hopi woman had this to say:

I’m trying to articulate my feelings as best I can without completely losing it. What we do is not an artistic expression. And you don’t have artistic license to take little pieces here and there and do what you want with it. That’s something you people don’t understand, probably never will understand.

Following this thought process, how do we contextualize those white people who choose religions that are traditionally tied to another culture? Star.com recently ran an article, White by Birth, Sikh by Choice about a white man raised in the United Church who became a practicing Sikh in 1972.

According to the article, he still gets many looks when he walks down the street, dressed in a turban, flowing pants and shirt with a long beard. But the looks don’t bother him at this point, and he knew at a very young age that he didn’t fit in with those that surrounded him.

I’m all for people being able to choose, whether it be the way they dress, the groups they affiliate with, or their religion, considering I have personally gone down different cultural paths in all of these areas.

But, I wonder, are some white people (including myself) going too far in trying to be something different than they really are? Share your thoughts below.